Self-Identity

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What is your self identity? What's the first thing that comes to mind?

Probably your name right? But what if you don't identify with your name?

Before you ask, this isn't some deep stuff and I'm not telling you I'm getting a penis. Genitals are weird and I don't need more things to worry about. No, what if you didn't feel that your name represented who you are and who you want to become?

I have been identifying as a modified version of my name for years now: ELLIE

After all, it is my corner of the internet here. But when I fill out a form or go to an appointment, that is not my legal name, I get called something else there. But I feel this weird sort of disconnect to my other name, I don't feel like it represents who I am and who I want to be.

As for my last names (yes I have 2), they're both substantially long and when you put them together makes my full last name stupidly long. My last names are my mothers maiden name connected with a little hyphen (which fun fact is not always recognized as a valid character in a name field) to join my biological fathers last name. The names are 7 and 9 letters respectively (I've been saying my last name is 23 letters for years but it's just believable enough that no one has really bothered to check). 

Anyways, as for my last names, my maternal grandfather passed away this year and the family realized that there's not really anyone to carry on that name in Canada. As for the second name, I've never really felt connected to that part of myself and that wasn't really made better when my biological father abandoned me at the ripe old age of like 11 or something (or he didn't, everything is lies, who knows) and I've always viewed it as a funny story or anecdote, a comment made in passing, or, my personal favourite, like that annoying little sibling you were forced to drag along to all of your play dates by yours parents because your siblings were socially inept (also had one of those, not good for the social life of a developing autistic angsty tween).

So yeah, I want to change my name. But that is $137 I don't have right now.

So it'll wait. For now. Until I can afford to be reunited with my self-identity.

-Ellie

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